The Best Gift You Can Give to Your Family
Have you thought about your funeral plans lately?? I know, I know. It’s everyone’s least favorite to-do list item. Most of us would rather get a root canal than consider facing the cold, hard facts of our own mortality. But if we can’t bring ourselves to do it for our own sakes, perhaps we can find it in ourselves to do so for our families.
As we age, we all hope to remain as independent and in control - of our own lives and decisions - as possible. We make contingency plans, keep our affairs in order, and let our children and friends know what we envision for ourselves as various life transitions unfold. We instruct our medical teams about what lengths we prefer they go to should an emergency befall us, and we consult attorneys about wills and estates. We do these things to ensure that our wishes come to fruition, as much as possible, and importantly, so that our families aren’t saddled with the responsibility of managing the circumstances and direction of our own lives on our behalf. What often gets lost in the shuffle, however, is making plans for our deaths.
No one likes to think about funeral plans. But on the other hand, it’s an eventuality we can count on, which makes it only prudent to be as prepared as possible. In some ways, our funerals will represent a summation of our time here, and will serve as vital rituals for our individual communities as they process their grief and honor us.
As a funeral director, I’m here to tell you that when someone is in grief, making decisions is the last thing they are equipped to effectively do. But when someone dies without having made plans and communicating them to their family, that’s exactly the position those family members find themselves in. If a plan is already in place – even a rough one – it’s much, much easier on those left behind to focus on what matters during that time. Making funeral plans and sharing them with our family members and friends is truly one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
And these days, there are so many options to choose from, it might not even need to be the dreary and depressing task we imagine it to be. For instance, did you know that here in Washington State, you can choose to have your ashes scattered in Puget Sound from a ferry boat? You can have a memorial service, either before (in the case of a “living” memorial) or after you die. Before the cremation or burial takes place, it’s also perfectly legal and possible to keep a loved one at home for a vigil there with family and close friends, before a funeral home even needs to be involved. Another exciting option to consider is natural or “green” burial, which involves returning a body back to the elements using only a biodegradable casket or shroud. And if what you have in mind is something more simple and straightforward, a direct cremation or burial can be accomplished with minimal paperwork and fanfare.
The funeral home I work for, A Sacred Moment, offers the broadest range of services we possibly can. We know that all of us are unique, and we all want to be remembered in different ways when our time comes. Thus today’s choices go far beyond simply “cremation or burial”?
Should you choose cremation, there’s the question of whether you want a viewing first, possibly with a rental casket, and/or a memorial service afterwards. If your family chooses to, they can witness the placement of your body in the cremation chamber. There’s also a decision to be made about what sort of urn, if any, you’d like to hold your remains – and whether you want them buried, scattered, or kept at home.
Perhaps you would prefer for your casketed body to be buried. You can think about whether you would like to have a funeral service beforehand, and/or a graveside service when your remains are committed to the earth. Also keep in mind that embalming is never required by law. Other things to consider include what you might like to be dressed in, what music you might like played at your ceremony, and whether there are some poems, prayers, or other readings you would like spoken. What elements will best represent you, and will hold the most meaning for your survivors?
Should you die away from home, know that your body can be flown back home for burial or cremation, or alternatively, cremated remains can be shipped anywhere in the world.
As you consider these decisions, make sure to share them with your family. And, importantly, write your plans down and store them with other vital documents, in a location known to your family members.
Another benefit of preplanning your arrangements is the luxury of time and a clear head to shop around and really weigh your options – not just about what services you want, but which funeral home you choose to provide them. Do you want an independent funeral home or a corporation? How much money do you want to spend? Do you want to pay in advance? If so, do you want your money to be protected in a trust, or is an insurance policy sufficient? Prices vary widely from funeral home to funeral home, as do philosophies and business practices. Decide what matters to you in the context of end-of-life planning, and find a place that matches your vision.
A final step in preplanning for your funeral is to take care of some paperwork, so your family doesn’t have to do it down the road. If you want to be cremated, authorize your own cremation, in writing, with a witness signature and a date. If you would like to designate an agent to be in charge of your arrangements, you can sign a form for that as well. It’s also helpful to compile some basic biographical information that will be used someday to complete your death certificate. There are many internet resources for forms like this, including our website, www.asacredmoment.com.
Store these documents with your other funeral plans, and rest easy knowing that you’ve relieved your family of a huge burden. Your survivors will thank you for this very thoughtful gift. Even if we can’t plan the circumstances leading up to our deaths, we can find solace in knowing that we are exercising our right to have a hand in deciding what will become of our remains, and how we will be remembered. We can find a measure of comfort in knowing that with a little forethought, our deaths, like our lives, will be our own.
-Lindsay Soyer, Managing Funeral Director, A Sacred Moment
