A Sacred Moment Blog

Yesterday we laid to rest a man of enormous impact on the world. To his family and friends, his patients, and his colleagues, Stu was a man who equally loved, listened, healed, educated, and played with quiet intensity. So when Stu was diagnosed with AML (leukemia), this man who had educated so many physicians (as the founding director of Palliative Care Service - UW Medical Center) on how to have quality end-of-life conversations with patients and families, it took my breath away.

And as his disease progressed, my breath was once again stolen when, Stu and his wife, Annalu (Lu) asked for my help to guide their family through his home funeral vigil. The honor was immense.

Balancing competing personal and professional roles can be challenging as a funeral director, because while we must do all we can to support the grieving, we ourselves grieve. At the conclusion of Stu’s emotional graveside service, I had taken my professional hat off. I put on my hat as a friend when I shoveled that reluctant spade of earth into his grave.

So when an impromptu invitation was offered to speak at the gathering following the graveside service, I was stunned, honored, and emotionally spent. Only upon reflection, the day after, am I able to articulate

the words I wish I had said…

Welcome, thank you for being here to honor the life of Stu Farber. I’m Char Barrett, a friend and colleague and the owner of A Sacred Moment Funeral Services. And that is where my connection with Stu begins.

Stu and I knew of each other and then met through our many hospice connections-myself as a volunteer, and Stu as a physician. When I started A Sacred Moment, I held many trainings to teach people about the healing power of home funeral vigils. This is when a loved one’s body is cared for and lies in honor in the home for a period of days following the death, prior to burial or cremation.

Little did I know how much this concept resonated with Stu. He and Lu had cared for his mother Alice in this manner, in the same sun room of their home, in which, Stu has been lying in honor for the past three days. So when I offered my first home funeral training, both Stu and Lu enthusiastically attended. It was only then that I learned what a healing experience Alice’s home funeral had been for Stu, hence his passion for the topic.

A week or so after the training, I was contacted by KING5 News. They wanted to do a segment on this “new,” (actually quite old and even ancient) concept of a home funeral vigil. I needed “actors” to play the part of those attending a home funeral training, and Stu and Lu were some of the first people to respond. They even brought along Lu’s nephew Cliff, who was in Seattle attending medical school at the time.

For many years after that segment aired on KING5 News, Stu would often refer to it. Stu, ever the teacher, wanted others to know about this healing way of experiencing a loved one’s death, just as he had with his mother, Alice. And so, now, for the last three days, we all have been experiencing the healing gift of being present to this incredible man’s body, in the sun room of his home. The honor of being able to assist Lu, his son Saul, daughter-in-law Michelle, and other family members through these days is beyond what I can say in words.

And before I conclude, I would be remiss if I didn’t also acknowledge the impact Stu has had on every resident of Washington state through his pioneering work as a founding member of the Washington End-of-Life Coalition (WEOLC). Stu was responsible for my becoming a member of the Coalition and even championing me to give the keynote address on home funerals and green burials at the annual meeting that same year.

This coalition is a sub-committee of the Washington State Medical Association (WSMA). It was responsible for the creation, and now, oversight, of the POLST (Physician’s Order for Life Sustaining Treatment) form. This form allows every Washington state resident with a terminal diagnosis to make their end of life wishes for treatment and care known to any medical provider. The POLST form (or one similar to it) has been adopted by most states across the country, via the National POLST Paradigm Task Force. The achievement of this important, end of life step is just one more example of the immeasurable impact Stu Farber has had on the world. He also was a dear friend and colleague, and I will miss him always.